Sh*t My Kids Say & Other Great Stories
Updated: Sep 29, 2020
An ongoing post of all the ridiculous things my kids have said.
January 22, 2020
Evan (15) talking to my Dad on the phone for his birthday. "Thanks for the present, my guy." I'm in the background yelling, "CALL HIM 'GRANDPA!'" (omfg).
Mar 18, 2019
Jess (12): "Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers and one of them is for you!" (Can you guess which finger it was?
Nov 19, 2018
When I told Ev (13) his school wants him to dress up as an oompa loompa tomorrow for a video...
“What the hell is an Oompa Loompa?” (I explain they’re characters from Willy Wonka and show him a picture.)
Final response: “F#ck that.”
(That's my boy.)
Jul 19, 2018
Mid-summer update. (Evan 13, Jessica 11) Here is what I have learned so far this summer:
I am a terrorist who holds kids hostage and takes them to the pool club.
When Jessica forgets her goggles for the umpteenth time this summer and I don’t want to drive back home to get them, I am “so selfish” and “only think of myself”.
Our kids don’t get enough “down time”. (They have collectively already logged 1,000 hours.)
“It’s hard when you’ve been singing and dancing all day.” (Theater camp is only 3 hours, Jessica.)
It’s not their job to turn off lights, replace toilet paper, pick up their own clothes, belongings or wet towels, because they are NOT my slaves.
It’s okay to wipe a booger on your desk or inside your closet wall.
It’s also okay to steal and eat the hidden s’mores supplies and just hoard the empty wrappers in your desk drawer.
Evan is sick of Dad’s “douchey skateboard videos”
Dad and I are both douche bags.
Sometime in 2017
Evan (12): I got a call from one of Evan's teachers from 7th grade. The teacher was talking to another teacher about how sadly he was going to have to put his son's cat to sleep due to old age. He explained he was extra sad because with his son now grown, losing the cat symbolized an end of an era for him and his wife. Apparently, Evan overheard the conversation and walked up to his teacher. He put his hand on his shoulder and said, "I'm very sorry for your loss. It will be okay. I promise. Listen, we have drugs at our house if you need them." I did a facepalm to myself and then explained our dog just had surgery and we had leftover drugs for HER. (OMFG! This kid!)
Sometime in 2017
Evan (10): We had never explained to Evan that he had autism and when we he was in fourth grade, we figured it was time. We had books and a behavior therapist explain that we all had "isms". For example, Evan's repeating things were an "ism". That said, here are two stories:
In the school psychologist's office, Evan (10) jumped up on a desk. When he was asked to get down, Evan's response: "I don't have to because I have autism."
I lost my sh*t one morning trying to get the kids to the bus stop on time. (Think psycho mom yelling at my kids saying I would leave without them if they didn't GET IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW! We got in the car and I took a deep breath. I apologized to them for yelling. Jessica's response: "It's okay Mom. Getting angry is just one of your isms!" (facepalm, facepalm, facepalm)
Mar 21, 2013
Jessica (6) watching My Little Pony on TV... Evan looks over sees two ponies who almost kiss. Ev's reaction: "If those two kiss, I'm gonna PUKE!" Straight from the mouth of an 8 year old boy.
Jun 3, 2013
Evan (8): His story he read today... "My Lego Star Wars Play Date". It had a happy ending where he got a million dollars and bought more legos. I'm glad it ended happy. One kid's story ended with it's main characters fighting "and then they were dead. The end." (Yeesh, kid.)
Feb 3, 2013
Jess (5) talking to the tv during Beyonce's performance at the Super Bowl: "What are you even doing?!"
Dec 20, 2012
Can't remember what I said that started this conversation with my five year old: Jess (5): "Mom, are you being sarcastic?" Me: "Never."
Dec 13, 2012
Jessica (5): Each year the elementary school runs a holiday boutique that sells inexpensive items for the kids to purchase. Jessica's shopping trip went really well. She bought herself 6 items, then 3 more (1 for the rest of us) — all of which she had to give us IMMEDIATELY. I just opened the envelope to see how much was left of the $20 I gave her and a quarter fell out. (Keep the change, kid. Ugh.)
Sep 17, 2012
Jess (5): "Mom, will you be a kitty cat for Halloween?" Me: "Okay." Jess: "If Dad is a vampire and tries to suck my blood will you scratch his eyes out?" Me: "Sure!" (Poor Dad.)
Aug 16, 2012
Evan (7): "Butterscotch just farted in my face with her mouth." (Do you think I should brush the dog's teeth?)
Jun 8, 2012
If I don't laugh at this crap week I had, I will have to cry!
MONDAY: I fell on my ass and twisted my ankle while playing tennis. I went from being embarrassed to sad to mad at the thought I wouldn't be able to play for a while. (Ankle seems to be doing much better now, thank god.) TUESDAY: I started feeling sick and slept the majority of the day. WEDNESDAY: Missed my last jewelry making class. (That shit is expensive!) THURSDAY: Still sick. One of Jessica's friends punched Evan in the nose and despite accepting an apology, he decided to call everyone "losers" to their faces on our way out the door. Not long after we got home fight club broke out and for the first time ever Jessica decided it was in her jurisdiction to bite Evan on the back. That resulted in a lot of tears, time out for Jessica and a growl from her mother that she never wants to see her bite anyone EVER again and the temporary removal of one "Marie" the stuffed cat. FRIDAY: Went to the doc who thinks I have mono. AWESOME SAUCE! Finally, there was the following conversation while outside with Evan (7) and Jessica (5):
Evan puts down his bike, sits down on the driveway and gets mad all of a sudden. He decides to take of his crocs and whip them across the driveway to express himself. ME: "Ev, what's the matter sweetie?" EVAN: "Mom, I'm just still sad that Jessica bit me." ME: "Aw, I understand. That wasn't very nice of her, but she did say she was sorry." EVAN: "Yea. Mom, can we give Jessica to another family?" ME: peels of laughter. I just can't help myself.
May 4, 2012
Jessica (5) told me she's going to be a cheetah doctor today. Status was just updated to sea turtle doctor.
Sometime in 2010 while in the bathroom at our local Target
Jess (age 3): "Good job, Mom! You went pee pee on the potty at Target!"
Me (hearing ladies laughing): "Yep, I've got this down."
Sometime in 2009
Jess (age 2): crying
Evan (age 4): "Can we bring Jessica back to the hospital?"
Sometime in 2008
Evan (age 3): Ev had been having trouble with language since he was 18 months old. We realized he had down speaking as well as use of appropriate context when one night he was trying to get on his pajamas and said, "These f#cking jammies are too small!" (#parentingfail)